Noticing the New Year

I’m still recovering from 2019. I might need to take it easy in 2020.

Happy New Year. I sincerely hope your new year is happy. I wish you the happiest of years.

As soon as I have some money in my checking account, I’m going to buy a lucky cat.

Next, I am going to enter the contest on HGTV to win a dream home. I’ve done this before- entering contests- thinking things can’t possibly stay this hard. I haven’t won and when the contest is over and a winner who is not me is announced, I cry a little and rejoin reality. For a minute, it is a good distraction.

I’m going to show it to you and you can enter to win, too. (I can be selfless sometimes.)

I am almost hopeful that 2020 will be a pretty good year. It is hard to know. Life is unpredictable. Who knew we would be here? In this place, right now?

I’ve read lots of blog posts and pins on Pinterest about resolutions and intentions. How many more 10 best ideas can I read?

My thoughts are simple-

• May Frida learn how to hold her pee until the morning.
• May I run into you at Homegoods next time I am smelling candles.
• May I save more money than I did this year. (Zero)
• May I not alter George’s plans for college because of my fear of missing him.
• May I eat out less.
• May I take advantage of small moments with each of my children.
• May I go on road trips.
• May I meet you for tea or a stroll.
• May I focus on what I need– no that sounds too selfish-
• May I figure out at least one dream for my future.
• May Mim and I enjoy being outside together more.
• May Dolly get her license and safely run my errands.
• May I use my tax return to improve the state of my exhausted bathroom.
• May I get my teeth cleaned.

And for you my dear friend, may all your shoes be comfy, your childcare reliable, your candles not smell too strong, your mammograms be clear, and your babies be safe and sound. I dream that we figure out what we are doing with our lives and how we are going to get there. Or at least that we keep each other company when nothing goes according to plan.

The noticing is one of the main things. When something good is happening- a blue sky, a close parking spot, a child who likes what I cooked for dinner and eats it- I want to notice and revel in the small glory. We can call it mindfulness if we want to be fancy. When I have lived near the beach, I have wondered do the people here get tired of the beauty and stop noticing the sparkle that the sun makes on the waves? That would be the saddest thing. Right? To not know how good we have it- that would be a tragedy.

In my grief for my dad or my reoccurring fury over my divorce or my questions in parenting Mim or my guilt over mothering mistakes- I have to know this past year 2019 was all I have at this moment. And this coming year of 2020, good or bad, glorious or mortifying, this is it. This is our life. I need to notice the good. Notice the beauty in the struggle.

As Mim falls asleep with much less torture than last night, I see her freshly washed hair on her pillow. Her hair is the ocean at night in the moonlight. Dark and mysterious and luminous and without boundaries. Almost black. A hint of navy. A resting place for the tiny particles of light overcoming the night.