June 10, 2015

A lightning bug is outside my window. When it lights, it’s reflection is in triplicate.

I’m lying in bed with Mim waiting for her to find sleep. It escapes her at the moment. She scratches bug bites and jabs my soft spots with her angles. Her breaths will lengthen eventually and I will slip out from underneath her head that smells of summertime.

Summer days can be long individually and so short in their entirety.

I have pings and pangs all over.I’m letting stress about money cloud my brain.

Walt and 5 kids (Tuck, BeBe and George as well as Malcolm and Sinclair visiting from Colorado) are backpacking so I’m missing at least one leg and 4 fingers. I keep feeling for them but they aren’t there. Went to a Hindu temple today with Mim and the Swanks. It was majestic and unsettling. I know so little about religion and spirituality.

I tried to guilt Addy into going with me. Older teenagers want me to plan fun and adventures but on the day of my fun plan, they suddenly have other plans. Instead of a Hindu temple tour, addy was getting her nails done, going for a run and getting ready for a Braves game. She didn’t actually get her nails done because that is the other thing about teenagers they cancel plans with family to end up not doing an activity with friends. It’s all ok. Somehow I feel guilty for not dragging her to the giant sand castle adorned with elaborate statues because I should have known her friends would flake. Crazy. I know. Right?

Dolly went to 6 flags which costs more than my van is worth-Which is probably zero so that makes no sense. Then she ended her day with a tarot card reading. It was beautiful to hear a young woman speak knowledgeably and powerfully about Dolly’s future. Not her role as a fifth child or her starting middle school or her amazing way with animals. I’m familiar with that Dolly. The Dolly she spoke of was an entity to herself. A future woman. I forget. She is a person not just my child. That makes me sound like a horrible mother. Whoa. That is quite a judgment. See. More pings and pangs.

A friend Beth moved away today. I saw her in the last moments of her Decatur house. The unsettled house was in transition. Floors were bare that hadn’t seen sun due to the covering of furniture. Boxes were taped. Even the tree out back looked forlorn in its leaning. Her daughter looked raw and torn. Memories of so many houses moved out of in that last day of disarray and pain flooded in. In 19 years of marriage, we have lived in 15 houses. Heartache and promise. Terror and the disbelief that I had ever been so gluttonous to acquire so many possessions that now were just a thorn to my happiness. I tend toward drama when moving because moving sucks.But the most reassuring thing. She left the men packing the U-Haul. Got in her wagon with only her prized possessions.

Plants

Art supplies

Two cats

Two dogs

Pet food

Sallie

And a Diet Coke

She Is such a smart admirable woman. I hope I never move again. I took home her frozen food.

My neighborhood feels like redemption. Instead of wallowing in self pity, money woes, or my lack of commitment to projects I found on Pinterest, I sit with neighbors. Tracy and I gave a brief rundown on what our births were like. Some natural. Some not. All beautiful. We looked at old photos and I felt so full of wonder. Her girls had made Mim a rainbow cake. After we each had a piece, Lina our ancient black lab, licked the icing off a huge section of cake. Today was full. Tomorrow probably will be, too. I’m slipping out from under a sweet sweaty head.

June 15, 2021

So much can change in six years. Of course, the kids are older. My neighbor Tracy lives in Kenya. I miss her energy. She can change the mood of a group in a flash. Beth has moved again and she lives in New York, I believe. She quilts a lot but I haven’t spoken with her much. Walt and I divorced. Dolly reads tarot cards herself. Our black lab, Lina died. I still lie with Mim and wait for her to find sleep… Malcolm died. This past month, he died in his bedroom because of drugs. Malcolm had a huge smile and he gave it away. My heart retreats from the front of my chest cavity and hides, afraid. My eyes glass over and the sun shines in through my big picture window on my dogs as they sleep. The lawn mower guy is outside because it is Tuesday. Life continues without Malcolm in it but I don’t know how.

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