Deserving?

If I were honest, I would tell you, I have shed tears over my new laptop. It is so easy and I have been operating a virtual job, kindling writing aspirations, and shooting thousands of photos to be saved on a broken laptop for a year. The minutes of my day are revolutionized.

Can we give away Macs to whoever needs one?

Money at least some money- not riches- makes life easier. How is that fair that some of us are afforded ease? I am proud of myself for buying this intelligent machine. I am content in the directional flow my life is traveling.

What brokenness do we live with? What unacceptable have we accepted? What tattered cheap synthetic pants have we patched with love and care only to watch fray? Take care to notice the life you live. There are times when we live with crazy because the crazy snuck in and grew in teeny tiny increments until it enveloped our homes and hearts.

There is this strange phrase in our vernacular- You deserve this. I deserved this laptop. Yet, I know many of us never get or rarely get what we deserve. The material is such a slippery slope. The wanting can be so powerful. I am diseased with the wanting in these unpredictable waves. I can need and want and deserve a new kitchen, tailored black pants, new Birkenstocks, immaculate dish towels, and skin without moles. And the wave passes. I see the immaterial and no longer feel the need for comparisons and newness. I love what I have. And it feels so good to see the beauty of my own life. I see that mama at the bus stop waiting with her child wrapped in fuzzy blankets in the flimsiest stroller- and I know I don’t deserve the Brown Ford with heat and air any more than she deserves her calculated wait in the early morning dark.

And here I sit, typing with ease. Feeling a breeze on my cousin’s back deck. Wondering how I waited so long to buy this electronic rectangle of love and understanding. Wondering will I cove4r the apple with a Schitt’s Creek sticker. Wondering what surface I need to replace my unfinished concrete countertops that are harboring mildew…